Thursday, December 16, 2010

My story.

The whole reason I created this blog was to talk about my recovery, and hopefully help others who are also trying to overcome this powerful false identity, one's "ED".
For those of you who aren't in recovery, and have no idea what I'm talking about, I am in recovery from an eating disorder. Yuck. My junior year in highschool I was hospitalized, against my will, for anorexia weighing a whole 89 pounds. Attractive, I know. I was in complete denial that I needed help, and I was completely in admiration of myself for being so "strong" to lose over 40 pounds in less than 6 months and only manage in faint in school a mere two times. Finally, my parents and my counselor at school forced me into treatment, where I BS'ed my way out so that I could return to my highschool in time to hear all about the Prom 2007 drama.. which I had missed.

My "ED" continued running my life for the next 3 years, and eventually transferred from allowing "Ana" to control me, to giving "Mia" all the power. By my freshman year in college, I was completely miserable and no longer knew what a normal relationship with food and one's body consisted of. I kept telling myself "tomorrow you can start over", when in reality I didn't want to start over: I wanted to be anorexic again. I didn't want to be healthy, and it still is challenging trying to find myself desiring to be healthy. I admitted myself back into inpatient hospitalization at Sheppard Pratt, this time for bulimia, and this time with complete hope to better myself, and my health. I knew that this was something I needed to, or else I wouldn't make it to my 21st birthday based off of depressive symptoms, or failure of my organs.
Anyways, long story short, I am now celebrating my year and a half recovery and stand as a keynote speaker at Virginia Tech for eating disorder awareness. Every day is a challenge, but it is an uphill battle that I continue to conquer. I try to seperate my emotions from my ED, so that I don't allow my sadness, or anger, or frustration to be taken out with food. (Hence, why I'm starting this blog!)
These are pictures of me when I was sick, and the sad part is, this is me months after I got out of treatment the first time for anorexia. I probably weigh about 95 pounds in these pictures, and a size 00, for I refused to keep the weight on that I had gained in treatment. I now am a size 6, and don't know how much I weigh. Yet, I don't care because numbers don't define ANYBODY, and if people believe that, then they are not worth my time.  I can't say that I don't look at these pictures, and still wish I looked like that, because I do. However, I now have the power to know that I WON'T let myself get to that position again, because "ED"'s are never-ending, awful cycles. I have people in my life right now that love and support me for who I am, and think I'm beautiful at the healthy size 6, about what I was before my eating disorder.

Throughout these blogs,  I will refer to "ED", and now you know what that means and the significance in holds in my life, in which it only took. I believe everything happens for a reason though, and sadly, my ED made me the strong willed, determined, genuine person that I am today. I also met two of my best friends in treatment, Mel and Kaity, who hold a very dear place in my heart. We only see eachother but a few times a year, yet nothing ever changes and they know a part of me that noone else will ever completely understand. They are beautiful, both inside and out, and I'm so thankful for them in my life. I've learned to always think on the bright side of things, and always see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Without experiening this journey with them, each step of the way, I would not have been able to see that light. I might both Mel and Kaity in treatment for anorexia, yet our friendship extends way beyond that. The journey of Mel and my experience with ED is so similar it's scary. Yes, we may have egged eachother on in our symptoms, but now we egg eachother on in our recovery.  I love you girls!

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